A Conversation With A Dead Commando
by Phalanx
Summary: also to be known as The Return of the Test and alos, The Revenge of the Mary Sue Indies . This is a MASK parody based on the now defunct Mary Sue Litmus Test. Read and laugh. Read and fume. Read to find out whether your chars are in danger -DISCONTINUED-
1. Default Chapter

A Conversation with a Dead Commando  
  
Based on the:  
  
The M.A.S.K. Mary Sue Litmus Test  
  
(Which in turn was based on the original by http://missy.reimer.com/library/marysue.html.)  
  
The original was removed because the Fanfiction.net admin thought this was a "Non-story: list, announcement, etc" . Phooey. Still, if they don't like it, I shall honour them and do this another way.  
  
However, since the people in the LOTR archive seem to be able to get away with more than the poor sods here in the MASK archive, I am now compelled to write this in a story form. This should be a challenge.   
  
"A Conversation with a Dead Commando" refers to of course, my lovely Inaya Vendun, the poor PNA Commando who 'died' at the end of 'Wait for the Dawn'. I'm talking to the dead here, so humour me.  
  
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Introduction  
  
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There are some terms used in this story that may confuse you, so here's a brief explanation: Firstly, what the heck is a Mary Sue?  
  
'Mary Sue' is a generic name for a original character written in a fanfiction which is actually a representation of the writer him/herself. Most writers start out by writing Mary-Sue fiction. While there is nothing wrong with writing a Mary Sue fic, most of these stories are badly done and usually leave readers with an urge to vomit and/or murder the featured character.  
  
In the MASK universe, Mary Sue is the gorgeous new member of the MASK team, who is assigned that brand spanking new vehicle and mask made especially for her with that cool new feature that no one else has. She's smart, sassy, well-liked by everyone in the team, and is usually related to one of the original characters. She's smarter than Alex Sector and Bruce Sato combined, is Gloria Baker's sensei in martial arts, gets away with more daring stunts than Dusty Haynes and knows more about weapons than Hondo McLean. She's also handy in an emergency, and always ends up saving the day by taking on the entire VENOM team all by herself. Matt likes her even though he won't admit it to himself. Brad is constantly flirting with her. Sometimes the guys all fall over her. They might even fight with each other for her attenrion. Scott sees her as a mother figure. She's Gloria Baker's best friend. Hell, She's everybody's best friend and even some of the bad evil VENOM guys find her irresistable.  
  
The male counterpart of Mary Sue is of course that broody mysterious guy who joins the team and is always at odds with Matt Trakker because he's got the better idea. He's got that mysterious past that he constantly refers to without wanting to talk about it and when not on duty, is brooding about about something bad he did (but didn't really do) in the past. Women like Gloria Baker find him irresistible, and even Vanessa Warfield isn't above flirting with him while they're locked in combat (or lips... *shudder*).   
  
She'll either end up getting married (or laid) with one of the original characters (Brad Turner and Matt Trakker come to mind) or gets killed tragically in some noble sacrifice, and the entire team will go into mourning.   
  
Until her next resurrection, that is.  
  
Now that you know what a Mary Sue is, let get on with the story!  
  
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Inaya Vendun floated around in the darkness. She remembered being blasted, thrown off a crumbling building, and being immolated in flame. She supposed she might have hit the ground too. After all, gravity was gravity regardless of one's condition whether dead or alive or both. But after being blasted, thrown off a crumbling building and immolated, hitting the ground wasn't that big a deal anyway.  
  
It is said that odd things happen to those on the verge of death.   
  
This was certainly true in Inaya's case, because even as sanity faded into a pinprick in the distance, a figure drifted into view. A woman.  
  
She was dazzlingly beautiful and had long gorgeous hair that fluttered in the non-existent wind. Her eye were as alluring as pools of black darkness.  
  
And twinkling green stars.  
  
And blue as the cerulian sky.  
  
And golden as the pale rays of a golden sunset.  
  
Inaya blinked. She must be going crazy. All of those qualities couldn't possibly be true on a single individual, but there they were. Right in front of her.   
  
The woman flicked her lovely long hair, glistening with auburn highlights, over her shoulder.  
  
"Greetings, sister." The woman said in a voice that was as melodious as the every essence of melody itself.   
  
"Whoa! Wait a minute!" Inaya demanded. "What the hell did you just call me?"  
  
"Sister." The woman prompted. "Female sibling? Female child born also from the same womb..." Her lovely long raven tresses glittered in a shaft of sunlight that seem to have come out of nowhere.  
  
"I know what a sister is!" Snapped Inaya peevishly. "What I mean is you're no sister of mine, so what's with the sistering business?!"  
  
The woman sighed in a tone that implied Inaya was being childish. "Of course, I meant something else entirely. I mean a sister as in the sense of sisterhood. You know, bird of a feather?"  
  
Inaya didn't answer. She was too busy being mesmerised by the fact that the woman kept changing into different versions of the same person as they spoke. One moment she'd be a brainy blonde beauty with aquamarine eyes, the next she'd be a temptress of the night, complete with a dark shroud of silky hair with fair skin and deep blue eyes on the side, and after that a fiery auburn haired virago with sparking green eyes.  
  
"Erm... what did you say your name was again?" Inaya ventured at last as the woman gave her such a dazzling smile that she was almost blinded by the sheen of her teeth. Even as she smiled, a streak of black hair appeared at the temple of the woman's hair.  
  
"I go by many names and faces ("You don't say." grumbled Inaya), but some call me Mary Sue."  
  
"Mary Sue..." pondered Inaya. Then the name registered. Inaya's eyes opened in shock.  
  
"Ah ****!" she swore. "I'm in HELL!"  
  
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To Be Continued....Muahahahah!  
  
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Next: Breadmold by any other name would smell just as rotten. 


	2. Breadmold by any other name would smell ...

Disclaimer: No I don't own MASK, or anything related. Inaya and Stinky are mine, Mary Sue I wouldn't claim if they begged me to.  
  
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Chapter 2: Breadmold by any other name would smell just as rotten  
  
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"Tell me, my dear," Mary Sue enquired. "What is your name?"  
  
"What's it to you?" muttered Inaya, still peeved.  
  
"I have told you mine. Surely you should return the favour?"  
  
"All right. All right." Inaya grumbled. "Inaya Vendun."  
  
The Sue clapped her hands. "Such a lovely name. It certainly fits the specifications!"  
  
"What?" Inaya said flatly. The word 'specifications' had made her think of a vehicle or mask that her ex-team had used.  
  
"The specifications of the sisterhood." Mary Sue replied. "See here." She pulled out a sheet of script and a crystal ball."  
  
Inaya took the script and glanced at Mary Sue. "What's with the crystal ball? That looks so outdated!" She involuntarily cringed as Mary Sue gave a tinkling laugh.  
  
"Of course, how silly of me." she giggled daintily. She snapped her fingers and it was instantly replaced by the MASK computer, complete with remote control.  
  
Elsewhere, Matt Trakker and Buddy Hawkes scratched their heads, looking at the void where the MASK computer had been.  
  
Further elsewhere, a magician was knocked unconscious as his missing crystal ball materialized from nowhere to two feet above his head.  
  
"Thank you so much for reminding me." Mary Sue said, a roguish twinkle in her amber eyes. She juggled the remote as she swept her red-gold hair out of her clashing deep red eyes. Inaya's eyes, however, were rolling in disbelief. She distracted herself by reading the list.  
  
"The MASK Mar-" she began.  
  
"Shhh!!!" Mary shushed. "Do not read the 'title out loud, lest we be banished from this place once more!"  
  
"Once more?!"  
  
"'tis a long story." Sighed Mary Sue melodiously, despite the fact such a thing was not possible.  
  
Inaya gave her a look of disgust. "What's with the pseudo-fantasy talk?" she snapped once more. "We're not stuck in the middle ages, or earth or something."  
  
"Oh very well." Mary Sue snapped her fingers, so now she was a doctor (she still had auburn hair and green eyes). A pair of glasses were perched on her nose despite the fact she had perfect vision, and somehow managed to make her look even more sexier.   
  
"The name..." Mary Sue began in an accent that most ignorant people would have thought was British. "... is the most defining part of the sisterhood. The greatest givaway is the fact that the name of the sister is the similiar to the name of the Creator."  
  
"What? Inaya looked confused. "God-iva?"  
  
Mary Sue affected a look of unending patience. "No, my dear. the Creator."  
  
Blank stare from Inaya.  
  
"Look." Mary Sue sighed. "Let's just put it this way: If the Creator goes by the name of Laura, then a typical sisterhood name would be Laurelin. Do you understand? It need not be the creator's real name, of course. It could be the name the creator likes for his/herself, or a nickname."  
  
"Right..."  
  
"That is not all! Most names for us (Inaya didn't like the way she said 'us) are highly unusual. Sometimes it is a woman with a man's name (Say Jack), and unsual spelling of a name, or sometimes it's a name the character gives his/herself for any reason. I mean after all, how many people do you know are called Inaya?"  
  
The MASK computer took this opportunity to display a picture of Inaya herself on the screen, then changed to show a woman doctor with hair in a bun which bore an uncanny resemblence to Mary Sue.  
  
"Point taken." Inaya growled through clenched teeth.   
  
"Ten points, actually." Said Mary Sue sweetly. "Sometimes, by some freak of nature, the Creator becomes so fond of the character that he/she names him/herself after him/her. That is also worth ten points."  
  
"I'm worth negative ten!" Squealed a voice from nowhere. A chubby figure danced out happily, buzz-cut hair a sharp contrast to Mary Sue's tidy little bun. "My name is Stinky!"  
  
At this point, Inaya was rendered speechless with shock.  
  
"Oh no! Not you!" Groaned Mary Sue.  
  
"Yes me!" Stinky grinned, showing an unsightly gap between her front calipers. "Whassamatter, Ms. Mary Sue Trakker!? 'Friad I'll take over the name game? Well, why not?"  
  
"Trakker?!" Inaya echoed.   
  
"Yep yep yep!" Stinky quipped, running around like a ferret who has had too much sugar. "Also her full name is Mary Sue Yesirock Turner Baker Haynes Hawkes McLean Sector Riker LaFleur Warfield Mayhem Rax Kennedy Trakker!" Stinky stopped for breath at that point. "MY surname," Stinky announced proudly, "...is Piggywunkels!!"  
  
"Go away!" Mary Sue screeched, red-gold hair coming out of her elegant bun. "Go away, you little imp!"  
  
"Also..." Stinky continued as he darted away from Mary Sue's attempts to strangle him with her perfectly-shaped, creamy white hands. "If the name of the character appears in the story title, (The MASK computer started showing "A Conversation with A Dead Commando" in block red letters), then that's worth a couple of points also! YEoW!" Mary Sue had managed to scratch Stinky.  
  
"As I was saying before this hypocritical b*** interrupted..." continued Stinky, shooting Mary Sue a savage glance. "If the creator spends an inordinate amount of time looking for a name for the character, and considers naming children/pets after that character, then that's worth a few points to the final score ofthe sist... YIKES!"  
  
Mary Sue managed to catch Stinky Piggywunkels this time, and tossed the chubby little imp-like figure out of a door that Inaya was very sure hadn't been there before.  
  
"Forget you sow that." Mary Sue said primly. "But as I was saying, your highly unusual name gives an indication that may be one ofthe sisterhood."  
  
"Hmmph. Breadmold by any other name would smell just as rotten." Inaya fumed.  
  
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To Be Continued... (I am evil!)  
  
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Next: What You see is What You... Bleck! 


End file.
